It’s embarrassing. You don’t want anyone to look at it. You don’t even want to look at it. Maybe at one time it was cool and fun, but that time was 2003. You realize you need it online, but you don’t want anyone to see it, especially your clients or prospects. It’s quite the double edged quandary you’ve found yourself…[/lead]
The copyright at the bottom reads a date from when a Bush was in office
Copyright 2002. Nothing says old like that. If your website was built when a Bush occupied 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, it may be time for a new look. Your website was good back when the term “new millennium” was used, but now it looks as ancient as the Rosetta Stone without the historical significance. If your website could be placed in the Museum of Internet History… that’s probably not a good thing.
Your website was built before the invention of the iPhone and hates all smartphones
Mobile devices now account for 1-in-4 Internet visits. If your website renders like a deleted Jar Jar scene from Star Wars Episode I, it’s time to re-evaluate. Even George Lucas had the sense to delete that scene…
Your competitors’ sites are like driving a Tesla while yours is that old Ford Pinto… it could catch fire under the right conditions.
Keeping up with the Jones’ was something your parents always warned you against. But they were wrong and I’m guessing that’s not the first time they’ve been wrong. If Jones’ Cupcake Shoppe is doing a better job of bringing in customers – the same customers you’re after – then you probably want to keep up with the Jones’.
Your site is harder to find than a DVD of a classic Disney film
Good luck finding a copy of Cinderella. If you do find one, you’ll pay a few hundred for it. Disney is able to use the “Disney Vault” to manipulate supply. Making their films hard to find brings value to their product. Making your website hard to find removes all value. You’re not Disney. Don’t act like not being on Google is cool. Not even the hipsters think that.
You have to email your best friend’s cousin’s sister who is a full-time hairdresser to get content updated
So that freelance gig didn’t work out too well for your best friend’s cousin’s sister. She’s back at Great Clips earning her paycheck. And you have to email her at firstname.lastname@example.org to get your website updated. After her shift of course. If you can’t update your website without digging through messy code or emailing your “webmaster”, you probably need to take another swing at building a website.
Your website is more difficult to navigate than a 3,000 piece lego instruction book
That Lego Star Destroyer is awesome. Badass even. But the instruction manual is 350 pages of “put the gray piece on top of the gray piece beside the 672 other gray pieces”. It’s a mess but that’s half the fun of Lego systems. That’s not fun for someone looking at your website and making purchasing decisions. If they have to figure out your website, you’re doing it wrong.
There’s a Guest Book… And You’re Not At A Wedding
Ah, Geocities. That was fun. The concept of a guest book morphed into “commenting” about a decade and a half ago. Your website is like your gramps who still insists on shopping at Sears Roebuck. That’s not even a thing anymore. Stop it.
Your website is like, the worst employee you ever had
Lazy. Ineffective. Without drive. Just doing the absolute minimum to keep from getting fired. If that’s how you would describe your website, it’s probably time.
Reading your website is like reading a Michael Crichton novel… without the plot twists.
Hey, look at that! Paragraphs! There’s so many of them! Paragraphs of boring text work well in the case of textbooks. That’s because students have to read them (and even then, they still don’t). If your website is littered with paragraphs of text that no one wants to read, then it’s time to take a look at your messaging and make it compelling.
Your site flashes and lights up like the Las Vegas Strip
Bam! Poof! Pow! Crash! No, that’s not the latest Batman comic book, that’s your website. It’s flashy and that’s not a compliment. If you have auto-playing music, unnecessary animations, or intro screens, then it’s likely killing your image. Just don’t.